highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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