Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
