Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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