I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
not ubering you a puppy
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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