I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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