Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
