I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
