I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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