I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
