Your mouth is God's brothel.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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