Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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