my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
