My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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