It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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