Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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