That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
