Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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