There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
