At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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