I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
