seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She bit a glass in half.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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