They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
