i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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