I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
