Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
