mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
