then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
