I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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