dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
