She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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