Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
