Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
