Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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