just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I am available for nakedness
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
