Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
