Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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