omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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