Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
