Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
