well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
