I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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