Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
