How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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