he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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