if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
