I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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