I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
