I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
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