I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
