her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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