Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
