4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
