My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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