i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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