Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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