I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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