I swear she didn't look like that last week.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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