dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
