You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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