apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
