my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
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The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
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I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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