I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
