sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
God, I missed his penis.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
